Are You Saving Too Many Stamps? & NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group

Have you ever experienced a situation where you made a comment, gesture or behaved in a way that created a massive over-reaction to your stimulus, or maybe you have been the one who exhibited this disproportionate reaction?

Well, if you have I’m about to make things a little clearer for you.

As you may or may not know I am a big fan of Transactional Analysis the creation and work of Eric Berne M.D. and he had a theory that we collect stamps, metaphorically speaking in our minds.

It goes something like this.

For those of you of a certain age will remember the old “Green Shield” stamps (those younger readers may be aware of certain drinks promotions where you get a card stamped each time you buy that particular beverage), you would collect these and cash them in when you had a page or book filled for household items.

Okay the theory works like this.

People have an imaginary stamp book containing a number of spaces (let’s say 8 for arguments sake) where they collect “stamps”, which are negative experiences. Each time something goes wrong in this person’s life or someone is mean to them, they put a stamp in the book. When they have collected all 8 stamps they then feel entitled to an emotional outburst, normally at the person who is responsible for the last “stamp”.

This may help you understand some people’s seemingly irrational behaviour? Maybe they don’t have the capacity to hold a lot of stamps, maybe past hurts mean that there are stamps that are always there filling the book half way and maybe they don’t know how to “process” the stamps to free up space in the book?

If you are one of these people that experience these overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, frustration or despair, consider this theory.

Okay so how do I “process” stamps?

In order to process stamps you must first recognise that you have collected too many. You can do this by checking your posture, are your shoulders hunched, tight and aching? Are you muscles sore? Is your brow furrowed? Are you breathing short sharp breaths? Do you have stomach pains, problems going to the toilet? Are you thinking of negative future outcomes? These are all symptoms of stress.

In order to relieve these symptoms I recommend Self Hypnosis or a progressive muscular relaxation with visualisation (which is incidentally what we’ll be practising at our NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group tomorrow).
Firstly what you need to do is find a comfortable place where you can relax easily and won’t be disturbed, play some soothing music in the background if this helps.

Take 5 to 10 diaphragmatic breaths and let go of any stress or tension on each out breath.

Then begin by imagining the relaxation of every muscle, nerve and fibre of your being from the top of your head, slowly all the way down to your toes. You may repeat this if you feel you need to.

Now vividly imagine a place where you have been or where you would like to be, that fills you will a relaxed, comfortable feeling.

Imagine the different colours and the shapes of your surroundings, imagine you are actually there.

Now imagine any sounds you can hear that surround you.

Become aware now of all the physical sensations, maybe the sun gently warming your skin or the gentle breeze cooling it to that perfect temperature.

Finally add in any smells or tastes from you imagined location.

Really enjoy this experience and when you are ready bring yourself back to full awareness. If you have a habit of dropping off to sleep, you could always set a timer or alarm or ask a family member or friend to awaken you.

Just to continue the theme of stamps, we also have “Golden Stamps” which we can cash in to treat ourselves. A golden stamp is one where you do something that needs doing perhaps to help your future goals, this could be household chores, study, exercise, saying sorry to someone, helping someone who is struggling with something.

When the golden stamp book is full people normally treat themselves by doing something they enjoy.

Maybe it’s time you “processed” more of those old stamps and collected more of the “Golden” stamps?


NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group

At tomorrows meeting I will be demonstrating and teaching you how to “Hypnotise” people. How it works, why it works and how you can use it to help yourself – “Self Hypnosis”. Once again it will be held at the Jaguar Cars Sports & Social Club, (XJS Suite), Browns Lane, Allesley, Coventry CV5 9DR from 3pm to 5pm (Saturday) 28th August 2010 only £5 entry! All welcome from novice all the way up to seasoned professional, register to attend by emailing me or on the website at www.WSOH.co.uk/practisegroup it will be great to see you there!

Be kinder to yourself! :0)

Nick

Insecurities

One think that I have come to notice in everyone I meet that I find the most refreshing is that we all want to be liked or loved and we all want to do better.

Some people hide this and adopt an aggressive or apathetic attitude towards life, but these drivers are still there simmering under the surface.

If we felt completely loved by everybody and had all the success in the world, then we would think we had made it!

This is why I believe many young people today look to become the next Christiano Ronaldo or Cheryl Cole, believing that once they had that kind of lifestyle all of their worries would somehow disappear.

Sadly this is not the case.

As the old saying goes “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Do you remember Christiano Ronaldo headbutting Wayne Rooney in the 2006 World Cup? At the time he was the most hated footballer in the Premiership.

And do you remember in 2003 Cheryl Tweedy (as she was then) was accused of making racist remarks and punching a toilet attendant over a row over pinching some lollipops? It was all over the papers, she was extremely unpopular at the time.

When you’re in the limelight, everything you do becomes magnified and you have to deal with so much more pressure.

The only people without challenges in life live in graveyards!

So whatever your life is, it will have its own set of challenges. The secret I’ve found is to manage and plan your future so that you reduce the bad times and increase the happy times.

Back to our insecurities; that little voice that says “You’re not good enough!” or “Nobody loves you!”.

Why on earth would we do this to ourselves?

Well it’s there to ensure that we take action to improve our friendships and relationships and do the best we can in life with the talents we have and develop.

However sometimes this voice becomes amplified because we ignore it; through laziness or procrastination. It becomes so loud and frequent that we just give up or try and distract ourselves with drink, drugs, gambling, food, pornography or whatever else.

But there is another way…

This voice is the “Critical Parent” part of your personality, its part of you so you can change it.

As soon as you recognise this negative voice, immediately change your posture and alter your rate and depth of breathing. Push your shoulders back and breathe diaphragmatically.

Then begin thinking of little things you have done in your life that are good, maybe that time you listened to a friends problems, or gave someone a compliment.

Now you can create your own affirmative dialogue, I personally look at myself in the mirror, shrug my shoulders and say “Do you know what? I’m o.k.!”

And remember, whatever you think you are…you are so much better!

Take care,

Nick

P.S. I am running a monthly NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group beginning on Saturday July 31st (3pm – 5pm) only £5 entry, the link is here to register http://ndhypnotherapy.com/practisegroup or call or email me. I will be showing you how to run your own brains with “An Introduction to Submodalities”

Energy Vampires

There are a number of programmes on the Television that are in vogue that feature Vampires, I thought it would be a good metaphor to use for today’s newsletter.

There are three types of people in life; “Energy Providers”, “Neutrals” and “Energy Vampires”.

Energy Providers are those people that when you are in their company you feel inspired, motivated and challenged. They make you feel like you can do or achieve so much more and you feel a boost of physical and emotional energy. They will often be peope that have a strong belief in abundance, that there is more than enough of everything for everyone.

My advice is to seek out more of these people and spend more time in their company or talking to them in different ways (phone, text, email, chat etc.)

Neutrals are people you spend time with and just shoot the breeze, they neither make you feel more motivated or less inspired.

These people are fine in your life, they are the people you choose to pass the time with.

Now we come on to the dangerous Energy Vampires.

You will know when you are in the company of these people as you will begin to feel, down, deflated or depressed.

No matter how much you try to help these people (and I can say this from personal experience) they will not change. The reason for this is that they have sought a sense of power in feeling powerless and telling others of their woes, gaining positive feelings from wallowing in self pity.

I must make it clear that these Energy Vampires are very different from people who have genuinely fallen on hard times or people who genuinely need help as they will have a string of misfortunes that just seem to follow them around.

Not only do they seek solace in the knowledge that their life is awful, they will feel better if they can create rapport with and get you to think or feel the same way. They believe that there is scarcity in life, there is not enough of anything for anybody. This will be accompanied by a deep feeling of mistrust in people and that everyone has ulterior motives if they are doing something nice.

So remember an Energy Vampire needs to bleed you dry of your energy to survive. You could even do them a favour, so they can kill their own Vampire and be normal again and starve them of that energy and attention. But most of all seek out your own Energy Providers and take the action required to make yourself more happy and fulfilled!

I hope this newsletter has given you a little boost!

Take care,

Nick

"You're Fired!"

People dislike rejection, to a greater or lesser degree.

I have had a small number of experiences in my life where people have been really nasty and/or violent towards purely because I rejected them in some way.

So why is this?

Well this is all to do with how emotionally developed the individual is, as most people rationalise any given situation and behave in ways that help them move forward with their lives.

I quote the next section in italics from my friend Gary Turner’s Blog at http://garysmilerturner.blogspot.com/ as I thought he’d written it so clearly.

The human brain has developed throughout evolution and has been described as having three sections:

Reptilian Brain (Stem Brain)
This handles the body’s basic maintenance systems such as the cardiovascular, digestion, and reproduction.

Mammalian Brain (Limbic Brain)
This is the limbic system and includes emotion and coordination of movement, together with the General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). It is a part of the brain that reacts reflexively and instantaneously, without thought, to the world around us. It is responsible for our survival. The actions of the limbic brain are hardwired into our nervous system and are therefore very difficult to disguise or eliminate. This is the part of the brain we will use to our advantage.

Primate Brain (Human Neocortex Brain)
This is the most recent phase of evolution and is the cerebral cortex, responsible for solving problems, language use and development, memories, and creativity.

In times gone by long, long ago, being rejected from a group or relationship could mean the difference between life and death.

We used to rely on our “family”, “clan” or “group” to help us hunt for food (safety in numbers), prepare it and store it, whilst we all looked out for potential dangers to keep our group safe as it kept us safe.

So if there was a dispute between two people, it would usually be resolved by some sort of fight and the winner would remain within the group and the loser would leave.

Or if the individual was at odds with the group they would also be forced to go.

In order to survive this individual would have to join another group very quickly, so they would normally choose a rival group and help bed themselves in quickly by discrediting their old group, often with fabrication and lies.

I’m guessing you’ll recognise this “Mammalian Behaviour” in some people you have encountered in your life.

Now, in today’s society this behaviour is counter productive because people will see us as unstable or untrustworthy and it will harm us in the long run.

So we mostly use our Primate Brain (Human Neocortex Brain) in order to create solutions and behaviours that will help us in the long term. Utilising things like negotiation, compromise and apology to help smooth relationships, both socially and at work.

Now a very odd thing is that human beings enjoy watching other people being spurned.

How many programmes can you think of where people get rejected?

“You’re fired” – The Apprentice
“You are the weakest link, goodbye!” – The Weakest Link
“You have been evicted!” – Big Brother

So why sometimes do we afford ourselves this pleasure of seeing someone else’s misfortune?

Well it’s all to do with the Mammalian Brain (Limbic Brain) allowing us to feel the pleasure from not being ousted or rejected, and thinking “I’m glad that’s not me!”.

So remember, if you find yourself overreacting to a situation, take a few diaphragmatic breaths and ask yourself this question:

What is the outcome I want from this, long term?

Have a fantastic week guys!

Nick

Anxiety and Panic

The last fortnight I have been dealing with a lot of cases of Anxiety and its evil cousin Panic.

For those of you who don’t know the difference, anxiety can be a feeling of uneasiness all the way up to a “Panic Attack” which is an overwhelming fear of imminent death.

I know I suffered from them 10 years ago and despite being stabbed in the heart as a 19 year old and nearly dying (on arrival in hospital I had no pulse, no blood pressure or heartbeat – clinically dead) I would say these are worse.

Don’t get me wrong the whole experience of facing “real” death filled me with a fear so great you cannot quantify it, but I slipped into a peaceful sleep and when I woke in intensive care I was heavily sedated. The journey back to health was hard and painful but I knew what had to happen each step of the way of my recovery.

The problem with panic attacks is that they give you this same overwhelming sense of imminent death, time and time again, and you often get no warning when they will strike.

The problem with Anxiety or Panic is that it is not visible i.e. you don’t have your leg in plaster or burns all over your body, so people do not understand why you are experiencing these symptoms. Often people can be quite patronising or condescending because they cannot understand what you are experiencing inside of your mind.

Trust me, only someone who has experienced a panic attack can understand what it is like!

After taking some anti-Anxiety tablets prescribed by my Doctor that made my head crackle and lose my sight temporarily, I decided to seek out other ways to overcome this problem.

After reading as many books that I could get my hands on I discovered some interesting concepts that worked for me and this is what I will share with you now:

I want you to imagine filling a bathtub with water by turning on the taps about half way.

Suddenly the phone rings and you end up having a long conversation and then suddenly you realise you’ve left the taps on and rush to turn them off.

Because the bath has an overflow pipe, the extra water is filtered off down into the drainage safely and the bath does not overflow.

This is how we deal with everyday stresses when things are normal, however when things are left unchecked and become overwhelming, imagine the following:

You have turned both taps on fully, the phone goes again and you have the same lengthy conversation. However this time the volume of water is too great for the overflow outlet, so water cascades over the top of the bath everywhere.

This water represents the uncontrolled stress that is overwhelming your mental bathtub and when it pours over the sides it creates Anxiety and Panic.

So if you’re luckily enough to only be experiencing mild anxiety, you can solve this by reducing the stress in your life and getting more quality rest.

Now for those of you at the other end of the scale I will share with you the methods I used to overcome my own and help lots of other people.

Firstly, accept the experience.

I would relax my posture as much as possible, sitting back, legs outstretched, soften my vision and ensure there was no tightness in any muscle groups, especially the neck and shoulders.

Anxiety and Panic need energy to grow, so by sitting and not reacting to any thoughts, feelings or sensations, just allowing them to flow through you in whatever way, the feelings will begin to subside.

I then would say to myself in a calm reassuring voice “I am fine, this has happened before and has passed, I am fine.”

Also I would recommend becoming an expert at “Diaphragmatic Breathing” (do a Google search).

When we are suffering with anxiety our breathing quickens and we breathe short shallow breaths into the top third of our lungs. This activates our “Sympathetic Nervous System” which triggers our “Stress Response” also known as “Fight or Flight” as our minds assume we are under some kind of threat.

Our blood and oxygen is diverted away from things like digestion and creative thinking, to the bigger muscles in our body to help us fight this imagined foe or to run away from it. This is why anxious and/or stressed people struggle with stomach and memory problems.

Our bodies need to be as light as possible to help us react and move quickly, so often we will be left with an urgent need to use the toilet.

Diaphragmatic Breathing (Breathing all the way down into the bottom two thirds of our lungs by pushing out stomachs out on the in breath) switches off or “Sympathetic Nervous System” and switches on our “Parasympathetic Nervous System” which produces calming chemicals and restores our minds and bodies back to its equilibrium.

This process should happen naturally. However, it is my belief, that because our lives are so much busier than in previous times, we are beginning to unconsciously override this to get more done.

If you know anybody who suffers with Anxiety or Panic, please pass this on and recommend they join the newsletter as I’d like to reach out and help as many people who are suffering as I did.

Look after yourselves and take care,

Nick

Life is a Mirror

I was enjoying a lovely roast beef dinner today when I was told a story about a lady who had fallen out with her best friend. She had apparently begun trying to get other people to share her point of view about this lady with a smear campaign by saying that this person was a bully.

The lady who was accusing the other of this behaviour was in fact exhibiting this bullying behaviour herself.

In Psychology we call this “Projection”.

Sometimes when we see somebody behaving in a way that irritates us, it is often a behaviour that we have demonstrated in the past or a behaviour we try to hide from ourselves through ignorance.

So what people do is project their disgust for their own hidden or regretful behaviours onto someone else.

You will hear this in certain guises such as; “I can’t believe how lazy they are!”, “Do you know it shocks me how she lets him treat her like that!”, or “He never stops talking about himself!”

The thing is we’re all guilty of this, myself included, to a greater or lesser extent.

I remember reading about this about 10 years ago, but experienced it personally on a training course a few years ago. I had made a comment about how I couldn’t understand why one of our colleagues was so vocal about one of their therapy beliefs that was being challenged during the workshop.

What was being challenged didn’t affect me as I agreed with it so it didn’t push my buttons. However, as my colleague pointed out, if one of my beliefs about what therapy works and what doesn’t…let’s just say I become quite passionate about it! :0)

I see myself as a “work in progress”, continually learning about myself and how I can grow during this journey we call life.

By observing the behaviour of others and how this creates a reaction within me, allows me to understand my skills and areas for development. Those behaviours I like in others are behaviours I possess but maybe haven’t drawn out to their true potential and those I dislike are areas I need to work on.

So remember, life is a mirror, if you don’t like what you see, reach inside yourself and gain acceptance and then and only then can you begin the journey to change.

Could You Light a Fire?

People often ask me how quickly someone can change and it’s an interesting question as you can probably appreciate, but the answer may shock you?

The first thing is that it is not to do with the client’s perceived problem.

I say perceived because they often see it as a “problem” whereas I see it as an unsolved puzzle that I have to solve using array of mind skills.

The second thing is that it is not to do with the person, by this I mean it is not to do with how intelligent, well read, life experienced or how old the person is.

So what do you think are the attributes that heavily influence the process of change?

A quality I look for first is “Motivation”.

As I’ve written in previous newsletters, when we experience enough discomfort (Pain) in our current situation and enough relief (Pleasure) from the changed situation, we are ready for change.

The second element, which I provide for the client, is the roadmap or nuts and bolts of change…the “How to” change.

However these are not enough, in fact this is the same as having lots of dry wood and an oxygen rich environment and wanting to light a fire…you have no heat or fire source.

Now those of you who thought about rubbing sticks together, well done! You have the mindset to create change, but there is still something missing…

The most important factor of change is ACTION!

And not just action, but sustained long term action.

How many of you would keep rubbing sticks together after 30 or more failed attempts at lighting a fire?

Not many.

And this is what stops people from changing and being their best selves.

So what do these people do?

They blame other things for their failure…the blame categories are in brackets.

“If I knew how to rub stick to create fire, I’d have lit it!” (Information)

“If someone had shown me how to do it, I could’ve done it!” (Skill or training)

“I’m just no good at lighting fires” (Self Belief)

“I’m not feeling up to it” (Health/Wellbeing)

“If it wasn’t for my parents/partner I’d have more confidence to do this!” (Other People)

“I just can’t be bothered!” (Motivation)

“I haven’t got time to be messing around with this!” (Time)

“I just can’t afford to get trained in these skills” (Money)

“It’s not safe I might burn myself?” (Fear)

We all do it, me included, we get stuck and blame somebody or something else for keeping us stuck.

So today’s wisdom is about recognising when you’re stuck by becoming aware of your justifications (blame) for not making changes.

Look at which category (Information, skill, self-belief, etc.) this lies in and then see this as a “puzzle” you need to solve and then…TAKE ACTION!

And keep taking action (reviewing your progress along the way) until you reach your goal!

Now start lighting your own metaphorical fires and see how brightly YOU can shine?

Wishing you every success!

Nick