“That Kind of Behaviour Irritates Me…”

Have you ever found yourself witnessing somebody else behaving in a manner that causes you to feel irritated, angry or stressed? Maybe saying things like…

“He’s winding me up!”

“Is she doing that on purpose?”

“I’m going to say something in a minute!”

Often completely absorbed by their annoying conduct, unable to focus on anything else?

One official psychological explanation would is…


“In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism where a person’s personal attributes, unacceptable or unwanted thoughts, and/or emotions are ascribed onto another person or people. Projection occurs when a person’s own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.”
[Wade, Tavris, Psychology, Prentice Hall, 2000]


In simpler terms, our personality is made up of lots of mini personalities, i.e. Karen the wife, Karen the employee, Karen the mother, Karen out with friends etc. and we are the sum of these “Parts”. Each “Part” of our personality protects itself from changing its behaviour as it is working for us on some level, providing an often short term positive outcome. Because the “Part” does not want to let go of this positive intention it will resist change and one way is to deny its very existence and project it on to someone else.

It’s a bit like a School child throwing something at the Teachers back and blaming another pupil when challenged.

When you notice yourself reacting to someone’s behaviour, take a few diaphragmatic breaths and then ask yourself the following…

“When in my life have I behaved in this way?”

And wait for the answers to come.

Becoming aware of behaviours or “Parts” we would like to change often results in a feeling of lethargy, shoulders shrugged forward, followed by a big sigh, with possibly a feeling of sadness. Again, another protection mechanism.

Knowing you have an undesirable “Part” or behaviour only takes you 50% of the way there.

So how can we change it?

There are two ways…

The first is to acknowledge each time you experience the annoyance in other peoples behaviour and take a few diaphragmatic breaths in order to allow you to reach a more analytical state, rather than allowing the part to follow the sequence of events it usually does leaving you feeling stressed or angry. Acknowledge the times you have behaved in this way.

Become aware of the sensations it creates in your body.

Where is it located?

Does it move?

What are the sensations like, warm, cool, heavy, light, tingling?

Then ask yourself, in this relaxed state, what this “Part” of you is trying to achieve for you?

If it’s an angry part it may be trying to keep people away from you to protect you from even more stress?

After doing this a few times she should have a level of enlightenment over the “Part” or behaviour and your unconscious mind will begin to look for new ways to change. Research shows that in order to permanently change it will take around 21 interventions of this type.

The second way would be to seek the intervention of a professional therapist and coach, like me, and work with “Parts Therapy”.

Remember life is a mirror, what we see is usually a reflection of ourselves.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Kind regards,

Nick