Are You Saving Too Many Stamps? & NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group

Have you ever experienced a situation where you made a comment, gesture or behaved in a way that created a massive over-reaction to your stimulus, or maybe you have been the one who exhibited this disproportionate reaction?

Well, if you have I’m about to make things a little clearer for you.

As you may or may not know I am a big fan of Transactional Analysis the creation and work of Eric Berne M.D. and he had a theory that we collect stamps, metaphorically speaking in our minds.

It goes something like this.

For those of you of a certain age will remember the old “Green Shield” stamps (those younger readers may be aware of certain drinks promotions where you get a card stamped each time you buy that particular beverage), you would collect these and cash them in when you had a page or book filled for household items.

Okay the theory works like this.

People have an imaginary stamp book containing a number of spaces (let’s say 8 for arguments sake) where they collect “stamps”, which are negative experiences. Each time something goes wrong in this person’s life or someone is mean to them, they put a stamp in the book. When they have collected all 8 stamps they then feel entitled to an emotional outburst, normally at the person who is responsible for the last “stamp”.

This may help you understand some people’s seemingly irrational behaviour? Maybe they don’t have the capacity to hold a lot of stamps, maybe past hurts mean that there are stamps that are always there filling the book half way and maybe they don’t know how to “process” the stamps to free up space in the book?

If you are one of these people that experience these overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, frustration or despair, consider this theory.

Okay so how do I “process” stamps?

In order to process stamps you must first recognise that you have collected too many. You can do this by checking your posture, are your shoulders hunched, tight and aching? Are you muscles sore? Is your brow furrowed? Are you breathing short sharp breaths? Do you have stomach pains, problems going to the toilet? Are you thinking of negative future outcomes? These are all symptoms of stress.

In order to relieve these symptoms I recommend Self Hypnosis or a progressive muscular relaxation with visualisation (which is incidentally what we’ll be practising at our NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group tomorrow).
Firstly what you need to do is find a comfortable place where you can relax easily and won’t be disturbed, play some soothing music in the background if this helps.

Take 5 to 10 diaphragmatic breaths and let go of any stress or tension on each out breath.

Then begin by imagining the relaxation of every muscle, nerve and fibre of your being from the top of your head, slowly all the way down to your toes. You may repeat this if you feel you need to.

Now vividly imagine a place where you have been or where you would like to be, that fills you will a relaxed, comfortable feeling.

Imagine the different colours and the shapes of your surroundings, imagine you are actually there.

Now imagine any sounds you can hear that surround you.

Become aware now of all the physical sensations, maybe the sun gently warming your skin or the gentle breeze cooling it to that perfect temperature.

Finally add in any smells or tastes from you imagined location.

Really enjoy this experience and when you are ready bring yourself back to full awareness. If you have a habit of dropping off to sleep, you could always set a timer or alarm or ask a family member or friend to awaken you.

Just to continue the theme of stamps, we also have “Golden Stamps” which we can cash in to treat ourselves. A golden stamp is one where you do something that needs doing perhaps to help your future goals, this could be household chores, study, exercise, saying sorry to someone, helping someone who is struggling with something.

When the golden stamp book is full people normally treat themselves by doing something they enjoy.

Maybe it’s time you “processed” more of those old stamps and collected more of the “Golden” stamps?


NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group

At tomorrows meeting I will be demonstrating and teaching you how to “Hypnotise” people. How it works, why it works and how you can use it to help yourself – “Self Hypnosis”. Once again it will be held at the Jaguar Cars Sports & Social Club, (XJS Suite), Browns Lane, Allesley, Coventry CV5 9DR from 3pm to 5pm (Saturday) 28th August 2010 only £5 entry! All welcome from novice all the way up to seasoned professional, register to attend by emailing me or on the website at www.WSOH.co.uk/practisegroup it will be great to see you there!

Be kinder to yourself! :0)

Nick

Insecurities

One think that I have come to notice in everyone I meet that I find the most refreshing is that we all want to be liked or loved and we all want to do better.

Some people hide this and adopt an aggressive or apathetic attitude towards life, but these drivers are still there simmering under the surface.

If we felt completely loved by everybody and had all the success in the world, then we would think we had made it!

This is why I believe many young people today look to become the next Christiano Ronaldo or Cheryl Cole, believing that once they had that kind of lifestyle all of their worries would somehow disappear.

Sadly this is not the case.

As the old saying goes “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Do you remember Christiano Ronaldo headbutting Wayne Rooney in the 2006 World Cup? At the time he was the most hated footballer in the Premiership.

And do you remember in 2003 Cheryl Tweedy (as she was then) was accused of making racist remarks and punching a toilet attendant over a row over pinching some lollipops? It was all over the papers, she was extremely unpopular at the time.

When you’re in the limelight, everything you do becomes magnified and you have to deal with so much more pressure.

The only people without challenges in life live in graveyards!

So whatever your life is, it will have its own set of challenges. The secret I’ve found is to manage and plan your future so that you reduce the bad times and increase the happy times.

Back to our insecurities; that little voice that says “You’re not good enough!” or “Nobody loves you!”.

Why on earth would we do this to ourselves?

Well it’s there to ensure that we take action to improve our friendships and relationships and do the best we can in life with the talents we have and develop.

However sometimes this voice becomes amplified because we ignore it; through laziness or procrastination. It becomes so loud and frequent that we just give up or try and distract ourselves with drink, drugs, gambling, food, pornography or whatever else.

But there is another way…

This voice is the “Critical Parent” part of your personality, its part of you so you can change it.

As soon as you recognise this negative voice, immediately change your posture and alter your rate and depth of breathing. Push your shoulders back and breathe diaphragmatically.

Then begin thinking of little things you have done in your life that are good, maybe that time you listened to a friends problems, or gave someone a compliment.

Now you can create your own affirmative dialogue, I personally look at myself in the mirror, shrug my shoulders and say “Do you know what? I’m o.k.!”

And remember, whatever you think you are…you are so much better!

Take care,

Nick

P.S. I am running a monthly NLP/Hypnosis Practise Group beginning on Saturday July 31st (3pm – 5pm) only £5 entry, the link is here to register http://ndhypnotherapy.com/practisegroup or call or email me. I will be showing you how to run your own brains with “An Introduction to Submodalities”

Energy Vampires

There are a number of programmes on the Television that are in vogue that feature Vampires, I thought it would be a good metaphor to use for today’s newsletter.

There are three types of people in life; “Energy Providers”, “Neutrals” and “Energy Vampires”.

Energy Providers are those people that when you are in their company you feel inspired, motivated and challenged. They make you feel like you can do or achieve so much more and you feel a boost of physical and emotional energy. They will often be peope that have a strong belief in abundance, that there is more than enough of everything for everyone.

My advice is to seek out more of these people and spend more time in their company or talking to them in different ways (phone, text, email, chat etc.)

Neutrals are people you spend time with and just shoot the breeze, they neither make you feel more motivated or less inspired.

These people are fine in your life, they are the people you choose to pass the time with.

Now we come on to the dangerous Energy Vampires.

You will know when you are in the company of these people as you will begin to feel, down, deflated or depressed.

No matter how much you try to help these people (and I can say this from personal experience) they will not change. The reason for this is that they have sought a sense of power in feeling powerless and telling others of their woes, gaining positive feelings from wallowing in self pity.

I must make it clear that these Energy Vampires are very different from people who have genuinely fallen on hard times or people who genuinely need help as they will have a string of misfortunes that just seem to follow them around.

Not only do they seek solace in the knowledge that their life is awful, they will feel better if they can create rapport with and get you to think or feel the same way. They believe that there is scarcity in life, there is not enough of anything for anybody. This will be accompanied by a deep feeling of mistrust in people and that everyone has ulterior motives if they are doing something nice.

So remember an Energy Vampire needs to bleed you dry of your energy to survive. You could even do them a favour, so they can kill their own Vampire and be normal again and starve them of that energy and attention. But most of all seek out your own Energy Providers and take the action required to make yourself more happy and fulfilled!

I hope this newsletter has given you a little boost!

Take care,

Nick

"You're Fired!"

People dislike rejection, to a greater or lesser degree.

I have had a small number of experiences in my life where people have been really nasty and/or violent towards purely because I rejected them in some way.

So why is this?

Well this is all to do with how emotionally developed the individual is, as most people rationalise any given situation and behave in ways that help them move forward with their lives.

I quote the next section in italics from my friend Gary Turner’s Blog at http://garysmilerturner.blogspot.com/ as I thought he’d written it so clearly.

The human brain has developed throughout evolution and has been described as having three sections:

Reptilian Brain (Stem Brain)
This handles the body’s basic maintenance systems such as the cardiovascular, digestion, and reproduction.

Mammalian Brain (Limbic Brain)
This is the limbic system and includes emotion and coordination of movement, together with the General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). It is a part of the brain that reacts reflexively and instantaneously, without thought, to the world around us. It is responsible for our survival. The actions of the limbic brain are hardwired into our nervous system and are therefore very difficult to disguise or eliminate. This is the part of the brain we will use to our advantage.

Primate Brain (Human Neocortex Brain)
This is the most recent phase of evolution and is the cerebral cortex, responsible for solving problems, language use and development, memories, and creativity.

In times gone by long, long ago, being rejected from a group or relationship could mean the difference between life and death.

We used to rely on our “family”, “clan” or “group” to help us hunt for food (safety in numbers), prepare it and store it, whilst we all looked out for potential dangers to keep our group safe as it kept us safe.

So if there was a dispute between two people, it would usually be resolved by some sort of fight and the winner would remain within the group and the loser would leave.

Or if the individual was at odds with the group they would also be forced to go.

In order to survive this individual would have to join another group very quickly, so they would normally choose a rival group and help bed themselves in quickly by discrediting their old group, often with fabrication and lies.

I’m guessing you’ll recognise this “Mammalian Behaviour” in some people you have encountered in your life.

Now, in today’s society this behaviour is counter productive because people will see us as unstable or untrustworthy and it will harm us in the long run.

So we mostly use our Primate Brain (Human Neocortex Brain) in order to create solutions and behaviours that will help us in the long term. Utilising things like negotiation, compromise and apology to help smooth relationships, both socially and at work.

Now a very odd thing is that human beings enjoy watching other people being spurned.

How many programmes can you think of where people get rejected?

“You’re fired” – The Apprentice
“You are the weakest link, goodbye!” – The Weakest Link
“You have been evicted!” – Big Brother

So why sometimes do we afford ourselves this pleasure of seeing someone else’s misfortune?

Well it’s all to do with the Mammalian Brain (Limbic Brain) allowing us to feel the pleasure from not being ousted or rejected, and thinking “I’m glad that’s not me!”.

So remember, if you find yourself overreacting to a situation, take a few diaphragmatic breaths and ask yourself this question:

What is the outcome I want from this, long term?

Have a fantastic week guys!

Nick

Anxiety and Panic

The last fortnight I have been dealing with a lot of cases of Anxiety and its evil cousin Panic.

For those of you who don’t know the difference, anxiety can be a feeling of uneasiness all the way up to a “Panic Attack” which is an overwhelming fear of imminent death.

I know I suffered from them 10 years ago and despite being stabbed in the heart as a 19 year old and nearly dying (on arrival in hospital I had no pulse, no blood pressure or heartbeat – clinically dead) I would say these are worse.

Don’t get me wrong the whole experience of facing “real” death filled me with a fear so great you cannot quantify it, but I slipped into a peaceful sleep and when I woke in intensive care I was heavily sedated. The journey back to health was hard and painful but I knew what had to happen each step of the way of my recovery.

The problem with panic attacks is that they give you this same overwhelming sense of imminent death, time and time again, and you often get no warning when they will strike.

The problem with Anxiety or Panic is that it is not visible i.e. you don’t have your leg in plaster or burns all over your body, so people do not understand why you are experiencing these symptoms. Often people can be quite patronising or condescending because they cannot understand what you are experiencing inside of your mind.

Trust me, only someone who has experienced a panic attack can understand what it is like!

After taking some anti-Anxiety tablets prescribed by my Doctor that made my head crackle and lose my sight temporarily, I decided to seek out other ways to overcome this problem.

After reading as many books that I could get my hands on I discovered some interesting concepts that worked for me and this is what I will share with you now:

I want you to imagine filling a bathtub with water by turning on the taps about half way.

Suddenly the phone rings and you end up having a long conversation and then suddenly you realise you’ve left the taps on and rush to turn them off.

Because the bath has an overflow pipe, the extra water is filtered off down into the drainage safely and the bath does not overflow.

This is how we deal with everyday stresses when things are normal, however when things are left unchecked and become overwhelming, imagine the following:

You have turned both taps on fully, the phone goes again and you have the same lengthy conversation. However this time the volume of water is too great for the overflow outlet, so water cascades over the top of the bath everywhere.

This water represents the uncontrolled stress that is overwhelming your mental bathtub and when it pours over the sides it creates Anxiety and Panic.

So if you’re luckily enough to only be experiencing mild anxiety, you can solve this by reducing the stress in your life and getting more quality rest.

Now for those of you at the other end of the scale I will share with you the methods I used to overcome my own and help lots of other people.

Firstly, accept the experience.

I would relax my posture as much as possible, sitting back, legs outstretched, soften my vision and ensure there was no tightness in any muscle groups, especially the neck and shoulders.

Anxiety and Panic need energy to grow, so by sitting and not reacting to any thoughts, feelings or sensations, just allowing them to flow through you in whatever way, the feelings will begin to subside.

I then would say to myself in a calm reassuring voice “I am fine, this has happened before and has passed, I am fine.”

Also I would recommend becoming an expert at “Diaphragmatic Breathing” (do a Google search).

When we are suffering with anxiety our breathing quickens and we breathe short shallow breaths into the top third of our lungs. This activates our “Sympathetic Nervous System” which triggers our “Stress Response” also known as “Fight or Flight” as our minds assume we are under some kind of threat.

Our blood and oxygen is diverted away from things like digestion and creative thinking, to the bigger muscles in our body to help us fight this imagined foe or to run away from it. This is why anxious and/or stressed people struggle with stomach and memory problems.

Our bodies need to be as light as possible to help us react and move quickly, so often we will be left with an urgent need to use the toilet.

Diaphragmatic Breathing (Breathing all the way down into the bottom two thirds of our lungs by pushing out stomachs out on the in breath) switches off or “Sympathetic Nervous System” and switches on our “Parasympathetic Nervous System” which produces calming chemicals and restores our minds and bodies back to its equilibrium.

This process should happen naturally. However, it is my belief, that because our lives are so much busier than in previous times, we are beginning to unconsciously override this to get more done.

If you know anybody who suffers with Anxiety or Panic, please pass this on and recommend they join the newsletter as I’d like to reach out and help as many people who are suffering as I did.

Look after yourselves and take care,

Nick

Life is a Mirror

I was enjoying a lovely roast beef dinner today when I was told a story about a lady who had fallen out with her best friend. She had apparently begun trying to get other people to share her point of view about this lady with a smear campaign by saying that this person was a bully.

The lady who was accusing the other of this behaviour was in fact exhibiting this bullying behaviour herself.

In Psychology we call this “Projection”.

Sometimes when we see somebody behaving in a way that irritates us, it is often a behaviour that we have demonstrated in the past or a behaviour we try to hide from ourselves through ignorance.

So what people do is project their disgust for their own hidden or regretful behaviours onto someone else.

You will hear this in certain guises such as; “I can’t believe how lazy they are!”, “Do you know it shocks me how she lets him treat her like that!”, or “He never stops talking about himself!”

The thing is we’re all guilty of this, myself included, to a greater or lesser extent.

I remember reading about this about 10 years ago, but experienced it personally on a training course a few years ago. I had made a comment about how I couldn’t understand why one of our colleagues was so vocal about one of their therapy beliefs that was being challenged during the workshop.

What was being challenged didn’t affect me as I agreed with it so it didn’t push my buttons. However, as my colleague pointed out, if one of my beliefs about what therapy works and what doesn’t…let’s just say I become quite passionate about it! :0)

I see myself as a “work in progress”, continually learning about myself and how I can grow during this journey we call life.

By observing the behaviour of others and how this creates a reaction within me, allows me to understand my skills and areas for development. Those behaviours I like in others are behaviours I possess but maybe haven’t drawn out to their true potential and those I dislike are areas I need to work on.

So remember, life is a mirror, if you don’t like what you see, reach inside yourself and gain acceptance and then and only then can you begin the journey to change.

Could You Light a Fire?

People often ask me how quickly someone can change and it’s an interesting question as you can probably appreciate, but the answer may shock you?

The first thing is that it is not to do with the client’s perceived problem.

I say perceived because they often see it as a “problem” whereas I see it as an unsolved puzzle that I have to solve using array of mind skills.

The second thing is that it is not to do with the person, by this I mean it is not to do with how intelligent, well read, life experienced or how old the person is.

So what do you think are the attributes that heavily influence the process of change?

A quality I look for first is “Motivation”.

As I’ve written in previous newsletters, when we experience enough discomfort (Pain) in our current situation and enough relief (Pleasure) from the changed situation, we are ready for change.

The second element, which I provide for the client, is the roadmap or nuts and bolts of change…the “How to” change.

However these are not enough, in fact this is the same as having lots of dry wood and an oxygen rich environment and wanting to light a fire…you have no heat or fire source.

Now those of you who thought about rubbing sticks together, well done! You have the mindset to create change, but there is still something missing…

The most important factor of change is ACTION!

And not just action, but sustained long term action.

How many of you would keep rubbing sticks together after 30 or more failed attempts at lighting a fire?

Not many.

And this is what stops people from changing and being their best selves.

So what do these people do?

They blame other things for their failure…the blame categories are in brackets.

“If I knew how to rub stick to create fire, I’d have lit it!” (Information)

“If someone had shown me how to do it, I could’ve done it!” (Skill or training)

“I’m just no good at lighting fires” (Self Belief)

“I’m not feeling up to it” (Health/Wellbeing)

“If it wasn’t for my parents/partner I’d have more confidence to do this!” (Other People)

“I just can’t be bothered!” (Motivation)

“I haven’t got time to be messing around with this!” (Time)

“I just can’t afford to get trained in these skills” (Money)

“It’s not safe I might burn myself?” (Fear)

We all do it, me included, we get stuck and blame somebody or something else for keeping us stuck.

So today’s wisdom is about recognising when you’re stuck by becoming aware of your justifications (blame) for not making changes.

Look at which category (Information, skill, self-belief, etc.) this lies in and then see this as a “puzzle” you need to solve and then…TAKE ACTION!

And keep taking action (reviewing your progress along the way) until you reach your goal!

Now start lighting your own metaphorical fires and see how brightly YOU can shine?

Wishing you every success!

Nick

Part of Me Wants to do This

I am sat in front of my PC writing this newsletter because I’d forgotten to mention an important email I received in response to my “Self Doubt and Criticism” newsletter from one of the boxers I’ve worked with.

“I had a session with you a couple of years back at the gym when you were first introduced to the boxers. At the time I was just getting back into training and finding it really hard to get motivated although I wanted to train another part of me kept saying I can’t be arsed and “Can I do it?”.
I was extremely self critical as well finally giving in again. I’ve just started training again and find myself already asking "Do I really want this?" and finding it hard to get motivated basically due to the habit of getting back from work and sitting in front of the T.V. all night for the last two years. That is until I just came across your self doubt and criticism newsletter.
This is so helpful as it makes you realize that it’s perfectly normal to think these things and gives me the motivation to work and get past this way of thinking. So a big thanks for the help! Simon”

It’s feedback like this that tells me I’m on the right path and gives me that boost of inspiration to keep going, so thank you Simon! (I did ask for his permission to print this).

My job is all about helping and inspiring people to be the best they can be and letting them know that any worthwhile journey has it tougher days, but the tough days are what makes the success taste so much sweeter.

Now the journey doesn’t always have to be tough, but sometimes we make the journey harder with our imagination by mentally rehearsing a future event and exaggerating (“Awfulizing” in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy terms) how bad the experience could be so that we don’t go through with it.

This is the part of our personality that likes to rest, recover and feel comfortable and we need it otherwise we’d burn out.

But we also have another part of our personality that drives us and wants to experience and learn new things, it’s like an excited child that just wants to do things now.

Now obviously these two parts of our personality will conflict when one is being more dominant than the other, as in Simon’s email. So how can we make this easier for ourselves?

It’s important to have fun with this exercise, anyone who knows me knows I like to make things as enjoyable as possible.

Some people may find this a little strange at first but it really does work.


Firstly, put both hands out in front of you palms up and allow yourself to become the child-like playful side of your personality. You may need to take a few easy deep breaths and remember the last time you had a good laugh and didn’t take yourself so seriously.

Now, imagine these two parts are like two different cartoon characters that your holding, one in each hand.

Imagine what the “Comfort and Rest” part would look like, then imagine what it would sound and feel like and which hand it would choose out of your left and right. Now imagine the “Driven and Excited” part would look like, then imagine what that would sound and feel like in your other hand.

NB: Some people may choose to represent the two parts in colours, shapes, sounds or feelings. Do what your awareness tells you is right for you.

Now we need to find out the higher positive intention of both parts so imagine, seeing, hearing and/or feeling the two parts negotiating and compromising over what it is you want to do to create your solution.

I.e. In a case to exercise the dialogue could go like this:

“Driven and Excited” part – “I want to get fit as I enjoy looking good”

“Comfort and Rest” part – “I want to chill out and relaxed”

We can establish after a few rounds of this understanding that both parts want to feel good, one by looking good, the other by resting.

Whilst you gain this awareness, allow whatever your representations of these parts are to either join together or make an agreement.

I have had clients say the following; “The two parts shook hands”, “The colours merged into one”, “My hands came together and I experienced a different feeling”, “I was like two noises merging into one”, whatever the experience you have will be the right one for you.

Now to complete the exercise, just go and do whatever it is that you had been putting off and notice how differently you feel!

You can use this exercise for any of those times when you find parts of yourself arguing or in conflict and remember that you need to relax first before starting the exercise to have access to both sides.

Have a brilliant week!

Nick

Pain or Pleasure?

Do you know once you break everything down to its smallest components we have only two things that motivate us; the avoidance of pain, or the pursuit of pleasure.

These are the drivers that create change in our lives.

The lifetime smoker witnesses a sick relative dying of cancer, they are affected by witnessing the pain that the person is in which makes them feel sad (“Pain”). They also imagine this terrible ordeal could happen to them and imagine the discomfort, worry and anguish that this would create, so they decide to quit to avoid the pain.

That person that stares into the brochure at the Travel Agents and sees the warm sun, beautiful white sand and deep blue sea, books the holiday as they imagine the pleasure they will feel once there.

People are motivated to change in different ways, with a balance of pain and pleasure. Some people require a lot of pain and a little pleasure, others a lot of pleasure and very little or no pain, or any combination of amounts between these two extremes.

If you imagine a straight line with the word “Pain” on the left hand side and the word “Pleasure” on the right (illustrated below).

PAIN------------------------------------------------------------PLEASURE

Why not try to think of a few situations in your life that you are unsure of and see whereabouts you are along the line…

Any surprises?

If you are currently struggling to change something negative in your life, try this exercise.

Complete EVERY stage in turn and imagine you had done NOTHING to change it at all from steps 1 to 4.

1) Imagine what your life would be like in one years time, what could you see, hear and feel (close your eyes if this helps)?

2) Now, imagine what your life would be like in five years time, again what can you see, hear and feel (close your eyes if this helps)?

3) Imagine what your life would be like in ten years time without you doing anything to change it at all, what can you see, hear and feel? How bad has the situation gotten now?

4) Now, imagine what your life would be like in twenty years time, really imagine this vividly what can you see, hear and feel and how bad does that make you feel?

5) Take a moment to associate those bad feelings and sensations with what you want to change

6) Now, take a deep breath and clear your mind back to the here and now and notice something positive about yourself, even if it is something small or something that you are wearing.

7) Now imagine that whatever you noticed that was positive has started to spread positive feelings throughout the inside of your body, into every muscle, fibre and cell. Allow it to spread everywhere and grow with strength, take a nice deep breath.

8) Now imagine seeing yourself NOW taking the positive action you need to (close your eyes if this helps?).

9) Imagine yourself in a weeks time what do you look like, move like, sound like?

10) Imagine yourself in one months time, again what changes can you notice in your appearance, how do you move, how do you sound?

11) Now imagine stepping into this “New” you, see through their eyes, hear through their ears and feel exactly how that feels.

12) Take a nice deep breath and commit to taking action each day towards your goal.

Repeat this exercise if required as many times as you need, remember a new habit is created when you repeat something correctly 28 times.

Take care and remember, it’s not a natural skill or gift that makes people successful, its direction, determination and the ability to adapt and grow.

I’ve seen many naturally “gifted” people end up on the scrap heap and many unskilled yet determined people, succeed beyond their wildest dreams.

Is now the time to take action towards that goal you’ve always wanted?

Have a great Easter!

Nick

Surprising State

Often when I’m out socialising or performing a show and people find out that I’m a Hypnotherapist and Life Coach, people will pull me to one side to ask me some help concerning issues of the mind. I’ll always help as much as I can, as I love people and my job and could talk about psychology all day long…some of my friends would say I actually do!

What surprises me is the amount of people suffering with different states of stress, anxiety or depression, people who on the surface look to have everything under control. It seems nowadays, the majority of people are struggling to cope in some way with the “stuff” life throws at us.

The other thing that shocked me was the amount of people who are currently on medication to help resolve their situation. I think it can help in the short term if you’ve left things too late, but often people become reliant on it and take it long term. These types of medication do not resolve issues of the mind, but suppresses them to allow you to function for a while, the issues still need resolving.

After quizzing a lot of people it seems that there are three major stumbling blocks.

The first is knowing where to turn. Do you go to the Doctors and risk being prescribed medication and/or counselling, or risk going privately and trying to wade through the masses of numbers in the yellow pages or internet.

The second is the feeling that the person you go to for help will make you feel inferior or patronise you in some way, in the way the dress, talk or treat you. This is actually more common than you’d think, I’ll explain in a bit.

And the third is the fear of the perceived stigma that is attached with seeking help, often people say to me that they feel “weak” having to seek help and worry what their friends, family and colleagues will say.

In January 2000 I collapsed was taken to Hospital and afterwards began suffering with really bad headaches, dizziness, anxiety and panic attacks.

I was convinced at the time I was suffering with a brain tumour or similar serious illness so I requested every test I could.

After weeks of tests and an anxious wait the Doctor told me he could find nothing physically wrong with me and said it must be “Stress related”, which I disagreed with. He prescribed medication (which made me worse) and counselling where I experienced all three of the “stumbling blocks” above.

The Doctors and counsellors didn’t help much, in some cases making me worse.

I now know, after much research, the illness was caused by working far too many hours under a great deal of pressure, not sleeping or resting enough, having relationship problems and moving house and not listening to my body telling me it was struggling to cope.

If I’m honest it was not a good time for me, but it provided me with a massive impetus to find out why I had arrived at this “State” and how I could change it. I don’t recommend you take this journey as it was very long and arduous.

I spent the next 10 years of my life, reading every book I could get my hands on, studying audio CDs, videos, DVDs and attending training courses. To not only find the solutions to my issues but to find the best way to present them to people so clients feel empowered and get the results they want quickly and permanently.

I have developed a style of helping people that is both reassuring and friendly, where people can make changes with a minimum amount of discomfort (even enjoy the changes in most sessions) and feel they are working with someone they can talk to and trust.

My mission now is to reach out and help as many people as I can, this is why I have recently been running free seminars and offer free consultations to potential clients.

Recommendation is the best way of finding the right person to work with, if you need a good plumber, you’d ask around your social circle for anyone who knew of anyone who was reasonably priced and did a good job.

So if you know anyone who is suffering with stress, anxiety or depression or any other psychological issues I’d appreciate it if you’d pass on my details.

There is a video that accompanies this newsletter on the email which advertises our next FREE seminar, here is the link again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_IzKCXUOlU. You can also go to www.WSOH.co.uk/freestuff for details and to register.

Also if you’d like me to come and do a free talk for your organisation or workplace (minimum of 6 people), please contact me to discuss this.

I am really passionate about getting this message out to as many of those people who are stuck in those “States” and don’t know where to go for help. So if you think anyone would benefit from this, please pass it on.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and watch the video, have a fantastic day!

Nick

E.S.P. – Excellent Sensory Perception

In each moment of our lives our internal computer, our brain, is making thousands of decisions based on the information it receives via our external receptors. These are our sight, hearing, feeling, taste and smell which collect information and relay it back to our bank of previous experiences to see if there are any familiar patterns.

For example, if we were to see flames, hear crackling, feel heat, smell burning and taste charcoal in the air we would cross reference this experience with fire.

The context of this fire would then be examined. Is this a fire safe i.e. housed in a hearth surrounded by brick? If yes, our brains will slow down our breathing, relax our muscles and produce calming chemicals that allow us to relax and enjoy the experience.

However is this fire dangerous i.e. has it been started accidentally and is burning the wood of the stairs? If yes, our brains will create our “Stress Response” also known as “Fight or Flight” and consequently speed up our breathing, heart beat, produce adrenaline and nor-adrenaline and increase and polarize our five senses in order to deal with the situation.

The fire is an extreme example to demonstrate a point, but it illustrates how our perceptions of situations are very important. Fire in fireplace = good, fire outside of fireplace = bad.

What if during our lives we created incorrect perceptions? For example, within a dating context I hear people make judgments based on peoples hair or its colour. Blondes have more fun. Dusky maidens are sexiest. You can’t trust men with beards. Shaven headed men are aggressive. From a psychological perspective this is untrue. However, if these people, with the different hair colours or styles, are treated differently because of other peoples misconceptions they may begin to believe this realty and allow it to become their truth.

When I meet somebody new I start with a blank slate, this often takes a moment or two because I have my own bank of experiences and perceptions but I also allow myself to get a “gut feeling” for things to protect myself from harm.

The interesting thing about “gut feeling” or intuition is that it is predominantly right when you are relaxed and predominantly wrong when you are in a state of stress.

Your stomach is one of the most important internal feedback mechanisms you have, every emotion can be felt to a greater or lesser extent in the body, coupled with other physical elements like your skin and muscles. When you are in love or excited you feel butterflies in your stomach and lose your appetite, when you are worried or nervous you have the same physical experience but your physiology and mental processes differ. When you feel guilty or ashamed it’s like a heavy sinking feeling and so on.

One of the reasons people overeat or drink alcohol is to suppress this response from the cells in the stomach. Effectively changing the way they feel by either filling the stomach with food to block the chemical messages from the cells or drinking alcohol which numbs these responders which is why we feel hungry when we’ve drunk a significant amount of alcohol.

I have spent a significant amount of time fine tuning my sensory perception in order to be the best I can be as a coach and therapist, because I feel it is my job to know what is going on in people’s minds before they do.

The only time I get it wrong is when I allow myself to get stressed, I’m only human and I work as much on myself as I do my clients. I feel that if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me! :0)

So my message today is learn to relax, develop your gut instinct and intuition and have an open mind with an awareness that occasionally some people will attempt to get you to do things that aren’t in your best interest and a lot of the time the opposite is true.

Whatever you think the world is, that’s your perception, your truth, your reality!

"Self Doubt and Criticism"

I had a request this month to talk about what could be done about “Self Doubt” and “Self Criticism”, as it was holding a few people back.

Firstly, this week is known to be the most depressing week of the year, with last Monday being the worst day.

This is because we set ourselves New Years Resolutions either consciously by writing them down, or saying to ourselves and other that this year will be better and we’ll do X, Y, Z, or not let A, B, C happen again.

As I’ve said before a new habit or behaviour gets instilled unconsciously roughly after 21 to 28 times or days.

Our minds have a protection mechanism to protect us from taking on any old behaviours, so in week three or the 21st demonstration of the new behaviour it makes it difficult for us. It does this by making us struggle a little bit more, our minds start asking us questions like “Do I really want to give this up?”, “Is it really worth it?”, “I won’t be able to do this!” and the weaker 95% of us cave in because of this “Self Doubt” and “Self Criticism”.

However, if you persevere and push through this barrier of discomfort you create a new unconscious habit or behaviour which over time gets so easy you forget that struggle you had.

Do you constantly feel anxious and think exactly how to drive your car, or do you just hop in and drive? (Think of riding a bicycle for those of you who can’t or don’t drive).

O.k. now for the Psychology bit about why we have “Self Doubt” and “Self Criticism”...

These thoughts and behaviours are driven by our "Internal Critical Parent" (According to Transactional Analysis or "Super Ego" if you prefer Freud) and it's there to protect you.
It appeals to the "Adapted Child" part of your personality to behave, not take risks etc. in order to keep you safe from harm and (the topic of my book) embarrassment!

However...

...In a lot of people, myself included, it is turned up too high so it actually causes "Freeze" (the infrequently mentioned brother of "Fight" and "Flight"), which holds you back from making progress and therefore prevents you from achieving your dreams.

It is normally instilled because of anxious or critical parents (particularly if you are the oldest) and didactic Teaching methods.

In therapy I use "Parts Therapy" and sometimes “Regression” techniques to turn it down to normal levels in order to allow people to just get on with those things they want to do.

But if you can’t get access to this help for some reason I would suggest the following:

Remember that this “Part” of you is there for a good reason, to protect you.

So with that in mind use “Self Talk” by talking to the "Part" calmly, understanding why it is there, reassuring it and asking for it to back off temporarily in order to allow you to achieve your goal.

Or if you don’t like a trail of thought or internal negative criticism you can just say "STOP!" in your mind, as a very good friend of mine and colleague does. He has changed and achieved so much over the last 12 months that he is an inspiration to be around, nothing is impossible in his world.

You can also reassuring yourself when you are doing something that feels as if it is outside your comfort zone helps, all world class athletes do this, whether they are aware of it or not.

Sometimes if I’m feeling nervous about a new project I’ll say to myself “Come on Nick, you can do this!”. I do this because there are so many things I want to do with my life, I want to be able to look back and know that I gave it my best shot and didn’t give into fear.

So get out there and do those things that you know you want to and enjoy it!

Have a fantastic week!

Nick