"Self Doubt and Criticism"

I had a request this month to talk about what could be done about “Self Doubt” and “Self Criticism”, as it was holding a few people back.

Firstly, this week is known to be the most depressing week of the year, with last Monday being the worst day.

This is because we set ourselves New Years Resolutions either consciously by writing them down, or saying to ourselves and other that this year will be better and we’ll do X, Y, Z, or not let A, B, C happen again.

As I’ve said before a new habit or behaviour gets instilled unconsciously roughly after 21 to 28 times or days.

Our minds have a protection mechanism to protect us from taking on any old behaviours, so in week three or the 21st demonstration of the new behaviour it makes it difficult for us. It does this by making us struggle a little bit more, our minds start asking us questions like “Do I really want to give this up?”, “Is it really worth it?”, “I won’t be able to do this!” and the weaker 95% of us cave in because of this “Self Doubt” and “Self Criticism”.

However, if you persevere and push through this barrier of discomfort you create a new unconscious habit or behaviour which over time gets so easy you forget that struggle you had.

Do you constantly feel anxious and think exactly how to drive your car, or do you just hop in and drive? (Think of riding a bicycle for those of you who can’t or don’t drive).

O.k. now for the Psychology bit about why we have “Self Doubt” and “Self Criticism”...

These thoughts and behaviours are driven by our "Internal Critical Parent" (According to Transactional Analysis or "Super Ego" if you prefer Freud) and it's there to protect you.
It appeals to the "Adapted Child" part of your personality to behave, not take risks etc. in order to keep you safe from harm and (the topic of my book) embarrassment!

However...

...In a lot of people, myself included, it is turned up too high so it actually causes "Freeze" (the infrequently mentioned brother of "Fight" and "Flight"), which holds you back from making progress and therefore prevents you from achieving your dreams.

It is normally instilled because of anxious or critical parents (particularly if you are the oldest) and didactic Teaching methods.

In therapy I use "Parts Therapy" and sometimes “Regression” techniques to turn it down to normal levels in order to allow people to just get on with those things they want to do.

But if you can’t get access to this help for some reason I would suggest the following:

Remember that this “Part” of you is there for a good reason, to protect you.

So with that in mind use “Self Talk” by talking to the "Part" calmly, understanding why it is there, reassuring it and asking for it to back off temporarily in order to allow you to achieve your goal.

Or if you don’t like a trail of thought or internal negative criticism you can just say "STOP!" in your mind, as a very good friend of mine and colleague does. He has changed and achieved so much over the last 12 months that he is an inspiration to be around, nothing is impossible in his world.

You can also reassuring yourself when you are doing something that feels as if it is outside your comfort zone helps, all world class athletes do this, whether they are aware of it or not.

Sometimes if I’m feeling nervous about a new project I’ll say to myself “Come on Nick, you can do this!”. I do this because there are so many things I want to do with my life, I want to be able to look back and know that I gave it my best shot and didn’t give into fear.

So get out there and do those things that you know you want to and enjoy it!

Have a fantastic week!

Nick