People often ask me how quickly someone can change and it’s an interesting question as you can probably appreciate, but the answer may shock you?
The first thing is that it is not to do with the client’s perceived problem.
I say perceived because they often see it as a “problem” whereas I see it as an unsolved puzzle that I have to solve using array of mind skills.
The second thing is that it is not to do with the person, by this I mean it is not to do with how intelligent, well read, life experienced or how old the person is.
So what do you think are the attributes that heavily influence the process of change?
A quality I look for first is “Motivation”.
As I’ve written in previous newsletters, when we experience enough discomfort (Pain) in our current situation and enough relief (Pleasure) from the changed situation, we are ready for change.
The second element, which I provide for the client, is the roadmap or nuts and bolts of change…the “How to” change.
However these are not enough, in fact this is the same as having lots of dry wood and an oxygen rich environment and wanting to light a fire…you have no heat or fire source.
Now those of you who thought about rubbing sticks together, well done! You have the mindset to create change, but there is still something missing…
The most important factor of change is ACTION!
And not just action, but sustained long term action.
How many of you would keep rubbing sticks together after 30 or more failed attempts at lighting a fire?
Not many.
And this is what stops people from changing and being their best selves.
So what do these people do?
They blame other things for their failure…the blame categories are in brackets.
“If I knew how to rub stick to create fire, I’d have lit it!” (Information)
“If someone had shown me how to do it, I could’ve done it!” (Skill or training)
“I’m just no good at lighting fires” (Self Belief)
“I’m not feeling up to it” (Health/Wellbeing)
“If it wasn’t for my parents/partner I’d have more confidence to do this!” (Other People)
“I just can’t be bothered!” (Motivation)
“I haven’t got time to be messing around with this!” (Time)
“I just can’t afford to get trained in these skills” (Money)
“It’s not safe I might burn myself?” (Fear)
We all do it, me included, we get stuck and blame somebody or something else for keeping us stuck.
So today’s wisdom is about recognising when you’re stuck by becoming aware of your justifications (blame) for not making changes.
Look at which category (Information, skill, self-belief, etc.) this lies in and then see this as a “puzzle” you need to solve and then…TAKE ACTION!
And keep taking action (reviewing your progress along the way) until you reach your goal!
Now start lighting your own metaphorical fires and see how brightly YOU can shine?
Wishing you every success!
Nick
Friday, 30 April 2010
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Part of Me Wants to do This
I am sat in front of my PC writing this newsletter because I’d forgotten to mention an important email I received in response to my “Self Doubt and Criticism” newsletter from one of the boxers I’ve worked with.
“I had a session with you a couple of years back at the gym when you were first introduced to the boxers. At the time I was just getting back into training and finding it really hard to get motivated although I wanted to train another part of me kept saying I can’t be arsed and “Can I do it?”.
I was extremely self critical as well finally giving in again. I’ve just started training again and find myself already asking "Do I really want this?" and finding it hard to get motivated basically due to the habit of getting back from work and sitting in front of the T.V. all night for the last two years. That is until I just came across your self doubt and criticism newsletter.
This is so helpful as it makes you realize that it’s perfectly normal to think these things and gives me the motivation to work and get past this way of thinking. So a big thanks for the help! Simon”
It’s feedback like this that tells me I’m on the right path and gives me that boost of inspiration to keep going, so thank you Simon! (I did ask for his permission to print this).
My job is all about helping and inspiring people to be the best they can be and letting them know that any worthwhile journey has it tougher days, but the tough days are what makes the success taste so much sweeter.
Now the journey doesn’t always have to be tough, but sometimes we make the journey harder with our imagination by mentally rehearsing a future event and exaggerating (“Awfulizing” in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy terms) how bad the experience could be so that we don’t go through with it.
This is the part of our personality that likes to rest, recover and feel comfortable and we need it otherwise we’d burn out.
But we also have another part of our personality that drives us and wants to experience and learn new things, it’s like an excited child that just wants to do things now.
Now obviously these two parts of our personality will conflict when one is being more dominant than the other, as in Simon’s email. So how can we make this easier for ourselves?
It’s important to have fun with this exercise, anyone who knows me knows I like to make things as enjoyable as possible.
Some people may find this a little strange at first but it really does work.
Firstly, put both hands out in front of you palms up and allow yourself to become the child-like playful side of your personality. You may need to take a few easy deep breaths and remember the last time you had a good laugh and didn’t take yourself so seriously.
Now, imagine these two parts are like two different cartoon characters that your holding, one in each hand.
Imagine what the “Comfort and Rest” part would look like, then imagine what it would sound and feel like and which hand it would choose out of your left and right. Now imagine the “Driven and Excited” part would look like, then imagine what that would sound and feel like in your other hand.
NB: Some people may choose to represent the two parts in colours, shapes, sounds or feelings. Do what your awareness tells you is right for you.
Now we need to find out the higher positive intention of both parts so imagine, seeing, hearing and/or feeling the two parts negotiating and compromising over what it is you want to do to create your solution.
I.e. In a case to exercise the dialogue could go like this:
“Driven and Excited” part – “I want to get fit as I enjoy looking good”
“Comfort and Rest” part – “I want to chill out and relaxed”
We can establish after a few rounds of this understanding that both parts want to feel good, one by looking good, the other by resting.
Whilst you gain this awareness, allow whatever your representations of these parts are to either join together or make an agreement.
I have had clients say the following; “The two parts shook hands”, “The colours merged into one”, “My hands came together and I experienced a different feeling”, “I was like two noises merging into one”, whatever the experience you have will be the right one for you.
Now to complete the exercise, just go and do whatever it is that you had been putting off and notice how differently you feel!
You can use this exercise for any of those times when you find parts of yourself arguing or in conflict and remember that you need to relax first before starting the exercise to have access to both sides.
Have a brilliant week!
Nick
“I had a session with you a couple of years back at the gym when you were first introduced to the boxers. At the time I was just getting back into training and finding it really hard to get motivated although I wanted to train another part of me kept saying I can’t be arsed and “Can I do it?”.
I was extremely self critical as well finally giving in again. I’ve just started training again and find myself already asking "Do I really want this?" and finding it hard to get motivated basically due to the habit of getting back from work and sitting in front of the T.V. all night for the last two years. That is until I just came across your self doubt and criticism newsletter.
This is so helpful as it makes you realize that it’s perfectly normal to think these things and gives me the motivation to work and get past this way of thinking. So a big thanks for the help! Simon”
It’s feedback like this that tells me I’m on the right path and gives me that boost of inspiration to keep going, so thank you Simon! (I did ask for his permission to print this).
My job is all about helping and inspiring people to be the best they can be and letting them know that any worthwhile journey has it tougher days, but the tough days are what makes the success taste so much sweeter.
Now the journey doesn’t always have to be tough, but sometimes we make the journey harder with our imagination by mentally rehearsing a future event and exaggerating (“Awfulizing” in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy terms) how bad the experience could be so that we don’t go through with it.
This is the part of our personality that likes to rest, recover and feel comfortable and we need it otherwise we’d burn out.
But we also have another part of our personality that drives us and wants to experience and learn new things, it’s like an excited child that just wants to do things now.
Now obviously these two parts of our personality will conflict when one is being more dominant than the other, as in Simon’s email. So how can we make this easier for ourselves?
It’s important to have fun with this exercise, anyone who knows me knows I like to make things as enjoyable as possible.
Some people may find this a little strange at first but it really does work.
Firstly, put both hands out in front of you palms up and allow yourself to become the child-like playful side of your personality. You may need to take a few easy deep breaths and remember the last time you had a good laugh and didn’t take yourself so seriously.
Now, imagine these two parts are like two different cartoon characters that your holding, one in each hand.
Imagine what the “Comfort and Rest” part would look like, then imagine what it would sound and feel like and which hand it would choose out of your left and right. Now imagine the “Driven and Excited” part would look like, then imagine what that would sound and feel like in your other hand.
NB: Some people may choose to represent the two parts in colours, shapes, sounds or feelings. Do what your awareness tells you is right for you.
Now we need to find out the higher positive intention of both parts so imagine, seeing, hearing and/or feeling the two parts negotiating and compromising over what it is you want to do to create your solution.
I.e. In a case to exercise the dialogue could go like this:
“Driven and Excited” part – “I want to get fit as I enjoy looking good”
“Comfort and Rest” part – “I want to chill out and relaxed”
We can establish after a few rounds of this understanding that both parts want to feel good, one by looking good, the other by resting.
Whilst you gain this awareness, allow whatever your representations of these parts are to either join together or make an agreement.
I have had clients say the following; “The two parts shook hands”, “The colours merged into one”, “My hands came together and I experienced a different feeling”, “I was like two noises merging into one”, whatever the experience you have will be the right one for you.
Now to complete the exercise, just go and do whatever it is that you had been putting off and notice how differently you feel!
You can use this exercise for any of those times when you find parts of yourself arguing or in conflict and remember that you need to relax first before starting the exercise to have access to both sides.
Have a brilliant week!
Nick
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